Today I should be stressing over the perfect outfit to dress you in. Today I should be making you breakfast to start your day. But instead I wake up to the 2 year anniversary of what was the darkest day of my life. The only thing worse than losing something that meant the world to you is pretending that you lost nothing. I may not speak of you daily but you are always on my mind. Not a day goes by that I am not filled with sadness, guilt, and love for you.
Sadness because you are not here to be part of our lives.
Guilt because I try to justify your death by telling myself if you were here with me I wouldn’t have your baby sister Madeline.
Love because even though you only grew inside of me for a few short months, you were mine. Your heart did beat & you heard mine beating with love for you from inside of my womb.
I feel you here with me every day. I have comfort that you are with your Aunt Karen & Great Grammy. I know that you are surrounded by their love. I know that you are looking over us.
I’m sorry that your life was not meant for this world. I’m sorry that I didn’t get to hold you, or to know you. But then again my heart did know you because I was your mommy. I am still your Mommy. And I know that one day we will be together again and it will be as if we never had this longing for each other.
Today your daddy, your sisters, & I will go to Grammy’s grave and send off two balloons with messages of love to you. It brings me comfort. I hope it brings you happiness.
You are forever in our hearts MJB