In 2019 I became a less-evolved, less-awake version of myself. Sure through a fairytale painted picture-perfect social media life, it seemed as though I was pulling off supermom status but in reality, it was a pretty dark year. I’ve been honest about my struggles with anxiety but the last 6 months have been super bad. Not that I have been suffering panic attacks more. In fact, I hadn’t been feeling anything at all. My inability to get myself dressed most days. My sadness and sorrow for what my life had become. But I was too clouded to see it. Believe it or not, I was believing the life I was portraying on social media. Like I was tuning out the life that was a reality for the false reality that I was painting for the public and my children. Thankfully my husband and mother were not fooled. And they finally shed some light on my lack of living in the real world. I needed a change.
What was uncovered when I finally went back to my doctor for help was that I was accidentally given a double dose of my anxiety medication from my pharmacy back and June and it was never corrected. It was complete human error and my prescription was filled wrong going from 20mg to 40mg. I don’t know how I never picked up on it but when you get in the habit of taking a medicine every day you just go through the motions. This explains my massive weight gain, my inability to carry out simple tasks, and my lack of love and emotion towards myself.
2019 was a shit show! We as a family suffered some pretty deep private issues that out of respect for my children’s privacy we are not going to share. In the blink of an eye, we had to make some pretty big decisions and change the life we knew. But we survived. We lost our beloved Pop. We are heartbroken but we survived. Bills have pilled up and continue to do so. But our love has remained strong and we are… you guessed it…SURVIVING. I am extremely thankful for the work my husband puts in. I have a shitty time showing it to him but I am forever grateful for his hard work for his family and picking up my pieces. I am ready to start living the life that we are blessed with and show him daily just how much he means.
So why share? Why once again make myself vulnerable to be judged or criticized? To give power to my haters to have a laugh at me when I am low? Because I want to break the stigma of mental health. Of having to feel like you always need to live your life through a beauty filter. As I take the scary journey detoxing off the medication that got me here. I am thankful for the lessons that it taught me. I am excited about the new plan in action. I am terrified of both succeeding and failing. But I am ready.
My 2020 word of the year is SURVIVE.