My 2020 word of the year is SURVIVE.

In 2019 I became a less-evolved, less-awake version of myself. Sure through a fairytale painted picture-perfect social media life, it seemed as though I was pulling off supermom status but in reality, it was a pretty dark year. I’ve been honest about my struggles with anxiety but the last 6 months have been super bad. Not that I have been suffering panic attacks more. In fact, I hadn’t been feeling anything at all. My inability to get myself dressed most days. My sadness and sorrow for what my life had become. But I was too clouded to see it. Believe it or not, I was believing the life I was portraying on social media. Like I was tuning out the life that was a reality for the false reality that I was painting for the public and my children. Thankfully my husband and mother were not fooled. And they finally shed some light on my lack of living in the real world. I needed a change.

What was uncovered when I finally went back to my doctor for help was that I was accidentally given a double dose of my anxiety medication from my pharmacy back and June and it was never corrected. It was complete human error and my prescription was filled wrong going from 20mg to 40mg. I don’t know how I never picked up on it but when you get in the habit of taking a medicine every day you just go through the motions. This explains my massive weight gain, my inability to carry out simple tasks, and my lack of love and emotion towards myself.

2019 was a shit show! We as a family suffered some pretty deep private issues that out of respect for my children’s privacy we are not going to share. In the blink of an eye, we had to make some pretty big decisions and change the life we knew. But we survived. We lost our beloved Pop. We are heartbroken but we survived. Bills have pilled up and continue to do so. But our love has remained strong and we are… you guessed it…SURVIVING. I am extremely thankful for the work my husband puts in. I have a shitty time showing it to him but I am forever grateful for his hard work for his family and picking up my pieces. I am ready to start living the life that we are blessed with and show him daily just how much he means.

So why share? Why once again make myself vulnerable to be judged or criticized? To give power to my haters to have a laugh at me when I am low? Because I want to break the stigma of mental health. Of having to feel like you always need to live your life through a beauty filter. As I take the scary journey detoxing off the medication that got me here. I am thankful for the lessons that it taught me. I am excited about the new plan in action. I am terrified of both succeeding and failing. But I am ready.

My 2020 word of the year is SURVIVE.

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Ten Year Challenge Drama-Mama style.

Okay I’ll participate in what they call the 10 year challenge but I am going to do it MY WAY!

In 2009 my life was full of stage lights and comedy. standup, improv, musicals, dinner theatre…. any chance I could get in that spotlight…I took it. I dreamed of being a huge comedic success but I dreamed of being a mother more. Back in 2009 being on SNL seemed a lot more likely than being a mother. Crazy as it sounds I just didn’t think love and children would be in the cards for me. I don’t know if I was okay with that but it definitely pushed me to seek out the spotlight more then to find “Mr. Right.” Of course we know the turn that my life made about a year later…. no need to bore you with the “known” details of how I got to the “beautiful social media life” You see now. But maybe just maybe if I get out the unknown parts, out of my head and into the universe, I may be able to truly find who I am for the next decade.

My Little Known Facts From The Past Decade:

I had cervical cancer twice, two C-sections, a miscarriage, hysterectomy, and weight-loss surgery, all over the course of 4 years. Talk about major mental and physical mind f*#ks!

I had undiagnosed postpartum depression 3 times. Once with each of my girls and once for the baby we lost.

I suffer from major anxiety and depression (DUH! See above) that I have to take medication for that made me GAIN weight after finally feeling good about the weight that I was. Isn’t that a BITCH!

My life is full of mentally abusive relationships. The biggest abuser is ME. It’s really easy to start to dislike and doubt yourself when you are told you’re not good enough or a horrible person by, relatives, “friends”, exes…..
Now,I am not throwing in my pity me victim card here, but it’s been enough that would bring anyone to their knees crying. Some have been completely cut off and some you just have to endure for the sake of your children and those who you love.

Some days I struggle to shower let alone put on a bra and brush my hair. No matter how bad I feel on the inside and yes I know, look on the outside, My children always are very well taken care of. That is not a “smoke and mirrors social media stunt.” Yes I am aware that some people think I am a super mom (not true) but some people actually think that I am a BAD mom ( definitely not true so go F’ yoursleves! )

I self-sabotage anything that I am “good or talented” at. I don’t know if it’s a fear of failure but I don’t find joy in things once I get praise for it. F’D up right?

The above facts are just the tip of the titantic size icebergs that I have floating below my surface So DAMN…No wonder why I am tired!?! If you are still reading this thank you for caring or for being nosey. Hey, I’m right there with you! Everyone loves a good backstage pass to the shit show. I mean after all isn’t that what this big “social media circus” is truly about? Anyway, If you made it this far continue on to the next part…

My Dreams For The Next Decade:

To find myself again. Find that confidence to shine either back in the comfort of the spotlight of the stage, but most inportantly, in the inner glow that I know has to be inside me somewhere.

To standup for myself more.

To learn how to say NO without guilt.

To be healthy both physically and mentally.

To find my passion and use it instead of be afraid of it.

To continue to grow as a mother and wife to prove the haters wrong, but, also to prove myself that I am worthy of this family that I never thought was possible.

To practice self-care. To see that it’s not selfish to help yourself. After all when the plane is gong down the pilot reminds you to put your own oxygen mask first so you can help others. Now it’s time to start applying that when my feet are firmly on the ground.

 

So in closing, grab your popcorn kids….”The Stay-At-Home Drama Mama 2020”…. it’s going to be one hell of a show!77111681_10157641383959210_1344538726033784832_o

#10yearchallenge