Okay I’ll participate in what they call the 10 year challenge but I am going to do it MY WAY!
In 2009 my life was full of stage lights and comedy. standup, improv, musicals, dinner theatre…. any chance I could get in that spotlight…I took it. I dreamed of being a huge comedic success but I dreamed of being a mother more. Back in 2009 being on SNL seemed a lot more likely than being a mother. Crazy as it sounds I just didn’t think love and children would be in the cards for me. I don’t know if I was okay with that but it definitely pushed me to seek out the spotlight more then to find “Mr. Right.” Of course we know the turn that my life made about a year later…. no need to bore you with the “known” details of how I got to the “beautiful social media life” You see now. But maybe just maybe if I get out the unknown parts, out of my head and into the universe, I may be able to truly find who I am for the next decade.
My Little Known Facts From The Past Decade:
I had cervical cancer twice, two C-sections, a miscarriage, hysterectomy, and weight-loss surgery, all over the course of 4 years. Talk about major mental and physical mind f*#ks!
I had undiagnosed postpartum depression 3 times. Once with each of my girls and once for the baby we lost.
I suffer from major anxiety and depression (DUH! See above) that I have to take medication for that made me GAIN weight after finally feeling good about the weight that I was. Isn’t that a BITCH!
My life is full of mentally abusive relationships. The biggest abuser is ME. It’s really easy to start to dislike and doubt yourself when you are told you’re not good enough or a horrible person by, relatives, “friends”, exes…..
Now,I am not throwing in my pity me victim card here, but it’s been enough that would bring anyone to their knees crying. Some have been completely cut off and some you just have to endure for the sake of your children and those who you love.
Some days I struggle to shower let alone put on a bra and brush my hair. No matter how bad I feel on the inside and yes I know, look on the outside, My children always are very well taken care of. That is not a “smoke and mirrors social media stunt.” Yes I am aware that some people think I am a super mom (not true) but some people actually think that I am a BAD mom ( definitely not true so go F’ yoursleves! )
I self-sabotage anything that I am “good or talented” at. I don’t know if it’s a fear of failure but I don’t find joy in things once I get praise for it. F’D up right?
The above facts are just the tip of the titantic size icebergs that I have floating below my surface So DAMN…No wonder why I am tired!?! If you are still reading this thank you for caring or for being nosey. Hey, I’m right there with you! Everyone loves a good backstage pass to the shit show. I mean after all isn’t that what this big “social media circus” is truly about? Anyway, If you made it this far continue on to the next part…
My Dreams For The Next Decade:
To find myself again. Find that confidence to shine either back in the comfort of the spotlight of the stage, but most inportantly, in the inner glow that I know has to be inside me somewhere.
To standup for myself more.
To learn how to say NO without guilt.
To be healthy both physically and mentally.
To find my passion and use it instead of be afraid of it.
To continue to grow as a mother and wife to prove the haters wrong, but, also to prove myself that I am worthy of this family that I never thought was possible.
To practice self-care. To see that it’s not selfish to help yourself. After all when the plane is gong down the pilot reminds you to put your own oxygen mask first so you can help others. Now it’s time to start applying that when my feet are firmly on the ground.
So in closing, grab your popcorn kids….”The Stay-At-Home Drama Mama 2020”…. it’s going to be one hell of a show!