Honestly since the 2 year anniversary of my miscarriage last week I haven’t felt like blogging. I have just been trying to spend my free time with my girls and Matt. I have been saying that it’s writers block, I’m too busy, I’m to tired, but it reality I’m still mourning. It will always be a date I dread. Don’t get me wrong so many amazing things happened. Madeline took her first steps (more on that to come in a future blog), we went to Disney On Ice (again blog to follow), and I went on a much needed date night with my husband. I haven’t shared how I’m feeling with anyone. I guess people think as I let the balloons go that my pain goes away with it. It doesn’t. I don’t think it ever will.
However today my mom surprised me with a much needed hair makeover. Any Mommy out there knows that we tend to get to busy with life to even wash our hair let alone get something done to it to make us look and feel normal! THANKS MOM!!!!
But that wasn’t the only thing my mom did for me today. She also took the time to send me a text that truly touched me! Something that I really needed to hear not only as a mom but from MY mom. All I did was send her a picture of Madeline with her 11month chalkboard photo (You guessed it a blog on my chalkboard life is coming your way too!) And she sent me this text…
It meant so much to my heart and soul to hear this from my mom. Out of the blue. Unexpected. From the heart. I know sometimes she thinks Matt & I are crazy that we are constantly finding things and activities to do with the girls as our housework piles up around us and we seem to never be caught up on “adult things”, so hearing these few simple words just meant so much. My funk was lifted. And here is a new blog. Ahhh I feel better now. Can’t wait to get started on the next. As you can see I have tons to get to work on!
Today I should be stressing over the perfect outfit to dress you in. Today I should be making you breakfast to start your day. But instead I wake up to the 2 year anniversary of what was the darkest day of my life. The only thing worse than losing something that meant the world to you is pretending that you lost nothing. I may not speak of you daily but you are always on my mind. Not a day goes by that I am not filled with sadness, guilt, and love for you.
Sadness because you are not here to be part of our lives.
Guilt because I try to justify your death by telling myself if you were here with me I wouldn’t have your baby sister Madeline.
Love because even though you only grew inside of me for a few short months, you were mine. Your heart did beat & you heard mine beating with love for you from inside of my womb.
I feel you here with me every day. I have comfort that you are with your Aunt Karen & Great Grammy. I know that you are surrounded by their love. I know that you are looking over us.
I’m sorry that your life was not meant for this world. I’m sorry that I didn’t get to hold you, or to know you. But then again my heart did know you because I was your mommy. I am still your Mommy. And I know that one day we will be together again and it will be as if we never had this longing for each other.
Today your daddy, your sisters, & I will go to Grammy’s grave and send off two balloons with messages of love to you. It brings me comfort. I hope it brings you happiness.